The Next Chapter

Hiatus

2011-02-07T10:33:00.002-06:00

So, after my 8-month break from writing, I'm checking in! Hmmm....what has changed?

I finished my year at the middle school where I was trying to shape the young pre-teen minds of Memphis. Nothing left to say about that.

I got a NEW job teaching gifted classes at two elementary (!!!) schools. Gifted classes are SO fun...I didn't realize how much I missed teaching the gifted kids until I was back in the swing of things. The switch to elementary school has been challenging and the fact that I now have a 70-mile round trip commute each day is a bit taxing, but I love it. The majority of my students are engaged in the lessons and are engaging in their interactions. They want to learn and truly enjoy a challenge. It makes coming to work a joy.

My household has changed. Lily and I are on our own now. We are still in our house and have adjusted to the changes of single-parent-family living. Lily ADORES kindergarten and we are so blessed by her teacher this year. She has made some wonderful friends and loves seeing her cousins every day. We are going to be just fine. We are going to be better than fine-we are already pretty fabulous!

So, as I post from now on, I'm hoping my tone will be decidedly different. Posts about Lily will still be as glowing as ever. Posts about work will be happier. Posts about my life will be lighter and have more life than they have in a long time.

Here's to yet another chapter......

Virtual fail

2010-05-14T12:18:00.002-05:00

So...the female students in my sixth grade classes are obsessed with this online game where they can take care of virtual babies. They feed and clothe them, find daycare for them and put them to bed.

Today, one of my students had her virtual babies taken away by virtual Child Protective Services for neglect.

Fail.

Testing, testing..can you hear me?

2010-03-25T09:17:00.003-05:00

We are in the midst of "practice" tests for our annual state testing. Basically, it means that between circulating around the room glancing at tests to make sure students are not skipping sections, I sit around and watch a room full of preteens alternately guess or stress...

This is supposed to measure their ability to retain the information that I've killed myself teaching all year? Something is just not quite right about that.

ahem....

2010-02-27T07:59:00.007-06:00

I could list all the excuses, middle school student-style: my computer crashed this summer and I lost everything; I started a new job that has sucked the life out of me; I have a thousand things to do every day and I get too tired to blog...

But, excuses are kind of pathetic. I'll just own up to the fact that I haven't been interested in creating anything lately. No artwork, no writing and, as you may have noticed, no blogging. This morning, I read through some posts on a blog written by my friend, Katy. Her daughter is six months old now and bears a striking resemblance to Lily in some of her pictures. She has big blue eyes and a shock of dark hair on her head (one major exception is that she got her first tooth at six months...it took Lily almost 19 months for that to happen!) I began to think about all the things I have not posted and all the things that I need to be recording for posterity.

So, here's hoping that I can pull myself out of the dumpster of preoccupation and get back in the game. In the meantime, some pictures....

This is Lily last June surrounded by pink flamingo lawn art...when we were Flocked by Young Life.

This is Lily proudly showing off her VBS T-shirt...she loved VBS! Evie and Lily on the swing in Chilhowee..."Mom, Evie is my cousin AND my best friend!" Lily and her favorite person from Trail West...Lolly, Lolly Popper. She had a unicorn birthday party for her fourth birthday because of Lolly!

Lily in the beloved green dress...year four. The great computer crash of '09 has decimated years two and three, but I am hoping to dig up some hard copies to show her growth. We have put her in this dress every year on her birthday for pictures to show how she has grown. It is so fun, since my sister and I played dress up in this dress throughout our childhood.

Cute Cousins

2009-05-02T18:09:00.008-05:00

Aunt Jenn brought Wyatt and Caleb down for a visit this past week. We had lots of play time with Wyatt and cuddle time with Caleb...Lily adores them both!

What a difference two and a half years makes....

2009-03-15T18:30:00.002-05:00

December 2007, three months after the accident....

March 2009...

Attention to Detail

2009-01-06T20:25:00.003-06:00

Lily has an amazing attention to detail when she wants to....she has this thing right now where she wants to check books for the page that has the cover art on it. She will look at the cover of a book and then go through every page until she finds the matching picture inside. A cute quirk, to be sure, but beware the book that does NOT have a copy of the cover art as part of the story.

She brought a book to me the other day (one of my old Richard Scarry "Please and Thank You" books) and handed it to me with a very exasperated sigh, saying, "Mommy, this picture is NOT in this book!" I tried to explain to her that sometimes the cover is different from the pictures inside and then I went through the book looking for a match. I thought at one point I had found it and I was pretty proud of spotting it until I showed it to her...

She looked at me with a very knowing expression, pointed at the hippo's mouth and said, "(Sigh) Mommy. This hippo's mouth is closed. It is not the same."

Whoops.

Lily Love

2008-11-24T22:26:00.014-06:00

OK, so you know that feeling you got when you fell in love for the first time? I mean, really , truly fell in love...that sense of excitement and that need to be around the object of your affection at all times at all costs?

I certainly felt that when Lily was born. I felt it when she grasped my finger with her little fist the first time. I felt it that sweet September morning when she smiled at me for the first time. I felt it when she snuggled up next to me as she fell asleep...knowing that she was safe in her mommy's arms.

As Lily got older, I immediately felt wistful for those days gone by...they go by too fast! But every new discovery she made thrilled me. When she discovered her toes or discovered that the baby in the mirror was her own sweet face I was charmed. When she discovered the motions she needed to crawl and then walk I was proud-but a little sad to know that it meant independence from mommy. Her first words were a joy to me and her first sing-song notes of lullabies and snappy alphabet melodies were literally music to my ears.

After my accident-and not being able to see her or hold her forever-my desperation to be around her and be mommy increased. It was so long before I was able to hold her in my arms again. So long before I could really play with her or comfort her when she needed me. I cherised those moments that she found a way to snuggle into mommy's wheelchair-bound lap and hold on to my shirt so that I could push us into the next room. She adapted so well to my limitations and still does even when she really just wants mommy to run with her and play like the other mommies do.

Now, as I see her grow into a little girl-a funny, charming, smart little girl-I am falling in love all over again. Her observations on the world around her are amazing to me and her sense of humor thrills me. I love the fact that she comes to me in the morning so that I will snuggle with her in my bed before we greet the day. I love that even though she is a "big girl" she still wants me to rock and sing to her at night before sleep. I adore our little routines-whether it be planning out what we are going to do the next day or going over all the big events of her day or even anticipating what is going to cause her to flip out in a three-year-old tantrum in order to nip it in the bud!

Watching her develop relationships with other people gives me such hope for her future. She loves to spend time with her cousins, she gets excited for every opportunity to go to church or school to see her friends. I hope that she will always have relationships in her life that bring her happiness. And, even though I know I can't protect her from heartbreak, I pray that it will not devastate her and that she will have friends that love her and will care for her when she needs it and I'm not right there with her.

She makes me happy. Even when she is driving me crazy with the "mommy, mommy, mommy, MOMMY!" moments, I am blessed to be hers. Seeing her happy causes those little bubbles of joy to rise up in my heart. And knowing that no matter what life brings me and no matter how many tough episodes we will have to endure, I will always have my little girl to look at and love is the greatest gift I could ask for.

Guess what Lily learned in preschool...

2008-09-11T14:37:00.004-05:00

Lily learned how to use scissors in preschool this week. She has spent approximately two hours today cutting an old coloring book into strips.

Paper...you've been warned.

"Me" time

2008-07-09T17:12:00.003-05:00

I am preparing to leave for a short trip to CA to attend the wedding of a very dear friend. If you include travel days (verrrry loooong travel days) I will be gone a total of six days. Just me. Alone. No husband, no preschooler, nobody.
Sounds relaxing, right?
Wrong.
I'm sure that this will be a wonderful-albeit hurried-trip. I'm excited to see friends that I have not seen in over 10 years and hang with my Sharon. But getting everything settled to leave has not been easy. I think it is almost easier to pack for myself and for Lily when we have taken trips together. Packing for just myself-and the myriad of activities I have planned-and trying to leave notes about every possible need Lily may have for the various people that are going to pitch in to watch her while I'm gone has been nerve wracking. Yes, I know that everyone who is going to be taking care of her has done it before and knows my child well. But they are not her mommies...
Plus, this is the first time since I was bedridden at the Med, unable to move my limbs on my own that I have been away from her for any extended period of time. (Cue the sniffles.)
So, as I write this, Lily is sleeping facedown on the living room floor because she was too tired to make it to her bedroom once I put her down. I'm gonna go watch her snooze and be there when she wakes up since I'll miss the next few moments like those.

Braids!

2008-06-23T22:03:00.014-05:00

This is a HUGE deal...no, really! The nerve damage in my left arm and hand have caused a lag in reaction time for the past two years. My left hand is still slow to process what my brain is telling it to do, and too much exertion (like typing or knitting, etc.) causes it to grow tired very quickly and feel a bit like what I imagine carpal tunnel syndrome must feel like.

However, one of my big goal this past year has been to braid Lily's hair. I used to be able to french braid my own hair upside down and backwards, so it is tremendously frustrating that I cannot handle such a simple task.

But....

....after almost 30 minutes of Lily standing patiently on her Disney princess footstool

....and mommy wrestling with her smooth-as-silk hair....

...we have braids.

Loving it...

2008-06-21T08:48:00.002-05:00

With all of the stresses in my life right now (fun things like physical pain, financial strain and general stress about what our lives will be like in the next few months) I have taken time to stop and smell the roses. Or, in the case of me and a digital camera: Stop and take the pictures.
While I'm not going to upload them all here, I have taken almost 200 pictures in the past few days! Yes, most of them are of Lily or Lily and her friends, or Lily and her cousins. I was thinking about the memories I've captured, though, and had another one of those wistful, "I'm-so-glad-I'm-still-alive-to-see-this" moments. One of the picture stops was at a birthday party for Lily's friend, Emma. All the mommies were sitting around watching our kids climb up the water slide ladder and throw themselves down the slide with sheer, delighted abandon and someone started talking about age. Everyone came up at least two years shy of my current 34 years. When I told them I was happy about my age, I think I confused some of them. Then I said that, medically speaking, I should not have made it past 32 and I'm grateful for every day that God is giving me, that cleared it all up!
Later that evening, Lily and I watched soccer camp, played with friends and took a spin through the Collierville Town Square. We got out and walked around and I marveled again at the turn my life has taken. We live in a place in this world where over a hundred people are lounging around outside on blankets and lawn chairs listening to the "bluegrass picking" that other people are sharing. There were at least three different groups of people that show up on Friday nights to stroll around or plant themselves in one section of the square to play music together. Anyone can join in and play or sing along. While bluegrass is not exactly my music genre of choice, Lily adored the sounds floating around the main gazebo as she danced to guitars, dulcimers and a washtub bass. And watching her dance while old gospel songs and even some Lynard Skynard somehow managed to mesh around us was peaceful.

Someday...

2008-06-12T22:32:00.002-05:00

Lily and I were sitting on the floor in her room this evening when she pointed to my scarred knee and ankles and said, "Mommy, when your boo-boos go away, then you can run?" I told her yes, and bit back the tears. What a sweet girl...she just wants her mommy to be able to run and play with her!

Mini Me

2008-05-27T08:15:00.006-05:00

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love painting. So, when Lily was invited to a birthday party at Paint a Piece, I was curious to see how it would go. She loves her finger paints and her sparkly watercolors, but will sometimes lose interest pretty quickly. (She is only 2 and a half, after all! Not exactly an age known for long-term focus!)

And then the painting started...

Kids that started after her finished up and she was ready to put more coats of paint on her pig. She had a dead-on focus on her mission...even with my prompting to finish up since everyone else was getting ready to move on!

Of course, one thing got her attention on something other than her painting:

Cupcakes!

(That would work on her mommy, too!)

A Tip

2008-04-02T23:29:00.002-05:00

OK, so I keep telling myself that I'm going to get back into this blog-world. Never seems to happen lately. So, I'll just put another cute Lily saying in here and go off to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more??

Everytime Lily brushes her teeth, she ends with spitting in the sink. Except she doesn't spit. She very earnestly leans over the basin and says "Ahhhh-TIP!"

Yo ho, Yo ho...

2008-02-26T09:54:00.002-06:00

Lily has been singing her version of the Pirates of the Caribbean song this week. It is my new favorite...

"Yo ho, Yo ho, the pirates like to read!"

Gotta love it.

Disneyland!

2008-02-21T22:29:00.014-06:00

Lily and I made our first trip to that American Institution in the West, Disneyland. While part of me is kind of tired of the commercialized nature of everything Disney, and I really do wonder what is next in the advertisements on the rides (It's a Small World, brought to you by Botox, maybe?) I have to say that the place itself is magical. I spent most of the day watching Lily's face as she reacted to the sights around her and it was wonderful!

Once I got Lily past the excitement of waterfalls and stairs-there are A LOT on the Tarzan treehouse-she started to get into the new experiences surrounding her. Clearly, she is certainly her Momma's girl. Her favorite ride of the day was Pirates of the Caribbean. I was sort of wary of taking her on it at first, but eventually we went for it. My dearest friend, Sharon, was our Disney buddy for the day so we figured we could talk her through as much of the ride as necessary. In the end, Lily loved it so much that she asked more than once during our day there to "go back and see the pirates."

Another highlight was when one of the "crew members" working at the Haunted Mansion (after giving me a dollop of Purell to wipe on Lily's hands after she touched everything in sight) gave Lily a 1st Visit button. Lily was so proud of it and checked it frequently to make sure that it was still prominently featured on the front of her coat.

Andwhat would a first trip to Disneyland be without Mickey Mouse ears? I told Lily that she could choose any pair she liked and was certain that she would pick the pink ones with a tiny tiara perched on the top. Nope. She wanted the ones with the fairy on them. So appropriate since she is kind of saucy like Tinkerbell.

Lily did all the classic kid things that day: ate her weight in sugar, stared in amazement at the size of Goofy in real life, squirmed mercilessly in line (thankfully we didn't have many of those) and crashed into the nap wall while Sharon carried her from one ride to the next.

All in all, the commercialism of the business really doesn't overshadow the wonder in your kid's eyes the first time they see Sleeping Beauty's castle or Mickey Mouse walking down Main Street. And the wonder in my kid's eyes is enough to make me love it all the more.

Stress

2008-01-18T21:28:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been so stressed out that you were pretty sure that your entire body was vibrating? If you hear a low humming sound coming from my general direction, it is probably my stressed-out nerves.

Happy Birthday, Christmas!

2007-12-24T09:06:00.001-06:00

We've had a kind of down-in-the-dumps last couple of weeks...a dear friend of mine is in the throes of chemo for her lymphoma, holidays are always tough when dealing with the loss of loved ones and our sweet dog, Gator suddenly died on December 5th. Ugh.

So, it is nice to step back sometimes and see all the spectacle through the eyes of a 2-year-old. Last year, every time someone would say Merry Christmas, Lily would reply with "Ho, ho, ho." This year, every time Lily sees Christmas lights (on trees, houses, etc.) she says, "Happy BIRTHday, Christmas!"

From the mouths of babes, right?

M is for Banana

2007-11-06T09:59:00.000-06:00

Lily's class at Kids' Day Out this year has a weekly homework assignment. On Wednesdays, they get a piece of paper with a large letter on it. The kids are supposed to color it and then cut out pictures that start with that letter and glue them on. Since Lily cannot really cut-or glue-or pick out the pictures on her own, it is kind of my homework, too. I'm kind of obnoxious with it, really, but it is fun. I keep sticking on the same picture of my sister over and over and point out things that begin with different letters in the picture...and on the letter "D" I stuck on a picture of Dave Navarro. Love it.
Part of the sharing on Fridays in class is going through the pages and having the kids name the pictures. So, on Lily's "B" page, there were about 10 pictures that she can name easily, but my favorite part is the pronunciation: "bear, books, ball, boy, baby, manana." No matter how many times I say it or point to it, the banana is still a "manana."

Pumpkins!

2007-10-14T20:37:00.001-05:00

OK, so if you go back in my blog to this approximate time last year, you can see how much has changed! My little baby is growing up!

The Sweetest Thing...

2007-10-11T20:06:00.000-05:00

Lily has a book of poems called My Great Big God. She calls the book her Bible. "Where's my Bible, Mama? Is my Bible in my bed?" It usually is since she likes to sleep with it in her crib. The other day, I asked her who was in her Bible. She opened it up and looked at one of the cartoon drawings from a New Testament poem and said "Look, Mama. Jesus is in my Bible!"

I love that she knows that at two years old!

Two Years Old

2007-08-12T22:12:00.000-05:00

My darling Lily turned two today. I have had so many mixed emotions today that right now my stomach feels as if I just spent too much time on a roller coaster.

I'm so stunned by the fact that two years has passed since I met my little girl for the first time. I can so clearly remember holding her in my arms for the first time that I still have trouble reconciling that to the whole person that is developing now. There are so many things I wish I could go back and experience again, yet I am so excited for what the next years will hold.

I'm so elated to be here this year. I was adamant about birthday candles and wrapping presents in layers of paper since I missed all of that last year. Her "big" party isn't until next week, so I get to prolong the celebration even more. My heart caught in my throat so many times today when I once again realized how close I came to not seeing this birthday or any of the ones to come. As much as I would like to hope this is not a thought that will cross my mind every birthday, I think it is really unavoidable. So, I will just be grateful and excited each time.

And I am so enraptured with Lily. She is so amazing. I think back to a year ago when she was tottering on unsteady feet for the first time on the patio of the hospital while I watched from my wheelchair. Now, she runs, hops and dances all over the place all the time. Her earnest expressions are now matched with confident words and emotion. She has moved from her first "dane-koo" to long monologues about everything around her. She still catches me off guard when she brings up a topic that hasn't been mentioned in days or weeks. I scramble to remember the event or conversation while she moves smoothly along her lines of thought. When we say prayers at night, she will pause between names of people we are asking blessing for with a very sincere "and...ummmm...Auntie? and...ummmm...Gram?" until she goes through every name she knows at least twice. But still, nothing beats a "love you, momma" or "hold you, momma" and I don't think anything ever really will.

Her world is expanding around her and she grows with it every day. It is so enthralling for me to watch her play. Today she got a tea set-which prompted her to make about 43 cups of tea for Mommy, Daddy and Grandy; a dolly stroller-which she pushed around the house for ages with dolly strapped snugly in her seat; a doctor's kit-which will hopefully help her through tomorrow's two-year check up (hah!); and a doll house with a working doorbell and phone, etc-which she played with in all seriousness, moving the furniture around and letting the baby play in the swimming "cool." Of course, I can't forget the princess tent her auntie, uncle and cousins gave her. When I asked her today how old she was, she looked at me with her serious face and said "Leelee a princess!"

Yes, my baby girl, you are.

Anniversary

2007-08-05T21:21:00.000-05:00

I am edging closer and closer to "the anniversary"...in just a few days it will be August 9. One full year from the date of the car accident that almost killed me. Parts of me are celebratory over how far I have come and how much more I can do than the doctors ever thought possible. Another part of me is feeling the frustration of going so long without being able to walk normally, type easily or wake up without pain.

I didn't really think that the date would hit me very hard. I figured that I would mourn a little and celebrate a little. What I've found is that I am getting random flashbacks to the hallucinations that plagued my first few days awake in the hospital. I am looking back at some moments almost with pity for the woman that laid in the hospital bed trying to grit her teeth while doctors pulled chest tubes out of her body. Then I take a mental step back and realize that woman I'm feeling pity for is me. It is a much more difficult process than I had ever anticipated.

I have found myself wanting to put up a post several times in the last couple of months, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It has been an overwhelming chaotic mess in my head every time I sat in front of the computer. I have also found myself not returning calls to people that matter so much to me. I can't bring myself to try to talk. I don't think there is any way that I can fully articulate the melee in my brain and heart. It saddens me that this date will always fall so close to Lily's birthday, but I am thankful now that it will be before her birthday instead of after. I can take some time to deal with the wounds that are still remarkably fresh and then move forward to celebration.

"Fasting"

2007-06-18T22:44:00.001-05:00

A quick little funny observation...
When Lily is running, she puts her little elbows up and twists her bottom back and forth and will call out to me "Mama! Leelee fasting! Leelee fasting!" to tell me that she is running so fast.

So cute.

Mothers' Day

2007-05-13T21:49:00.000-05:00

I know that every Mothers' Day will be special to me simply because that is kind of the whole idea for the day. But this one is especially sweet due to the events of the past eight months. I give thanks every day that God gave me more time with my daughter instead of taking me from the accident, or the operating room, or the next operating room, etc. I know that it is completely His grace that has allowed me this time here with Lily.

Even with the difficulty of the past couple of weeks, I have been thankful. The whole family has been sick at one point or another, I've started working again (which is much more exhausting than I remember!) and Lily is pushing teeth through like she's running out of time for it. She has sprouted five front teeth and one molar in the past couple of weeks. Poor girl is exhausted and, frankly, sick of being in pain. No amount of teething tablets and frozen washcloths or teething rings will stop it. She's been a real trouper, but I'm just as ready as she is to be done with this stage.

Today Lily was even more clingy than usual. I could credit the Mothers' Day holiday for that. I really don't mind her being clingy. I don't mind her only wanting her momma. I don't mind that I am the only one that has the power to soothe her just by being in the same room. Even when I'm exasperated with another pained tantrum, I'm thankful to be here to try to help her in any way that I can.

So, Mothers' Day was wonderful. Even the random tantrums, frantic biting of her fingers, and the refusal to eat much of anything due to the pain was okay by me. I sat in her room with her at bedtime and rocked her to help settle her down for the night. I was teary-eyed just holding my baby girl in my arms. She has grown SO much these past few months, and I still feel like I missed so much that I will never have a chance to get back, but as much as she has grown, she still fits me perfectly.

16 Again

2007-04-22T13:17:00.000-05:00

I really wouldn't want to go back to being 16 again. Once was enough. However, I have finally been cleared to drive again after seven and a half months of being a passenger! It is a feeling of freedom SO much better than the one I had when I got my license the first time as a teenager. Now I can pack Lily up and take off when I want to. I can take her to the library or the park or her cousins' house...or to the grocery store. Yep, today we took a trip to the store because our mayo was past its expiration date. I was just looking for a reason to get out on my/our own and the mayo fit the bill.

I think that this will really help my mental state. I have been dragging a bit lately since my physical therapy progress is literally one degree at a time and it is hard to notice a difference each time. Driving gets me somewhere...a heckuva lot faster than walking will! So, hopefully, this new energy will help me get back to painting again-I'm falling behind on projects...blogging on a regular basis-seriously, Lily does something new and amazing every second!...and working (money is always nice.) Now, we just need to get a car to replace my smooshed one.

The Mom Who Cried Tooth

2007-03-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

Ah, my 50th post...quite a milestone.

Even more of a milestone? Lily's first and second tooth. No, really. No, really, really. Just a few days ago, I spied a lovely little pearl on the top and the tip of one on the bottom. They look so foreign! As soon as I can get her to voluntarily show them off, I'll snap a picture to post.

On the downside of this development is the fact that they seem to be coming on in groups. This, of course, is quite painful for Lily and quite taxing on all of our nerves since she is usually such a pleasant little ball of fun. Here's hoping that some teething tablets will soothe the savage pain!

Cousins

2007-03-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

I love watching Lily interact with other people...(I secretly love it even more that she would often prefer to observe while sitting contentedly in Mommy's lap.) Two of her favorite people are her cousins. Jake is older by almost three years and Evie (aka Doo-Dah) is six months younger. If I even mention that we are going to see them or her Auntie later in the day, she will not stop talking about them. Every time a car door shuts outside, she will look at me with excitement and say "Doo-dah?" "Auntie?"

Can't you just see lots of future sleep-overs here? Poor Jake. They will drive him crazy!

Booook-kah!

2007-03-03T21:51:00.000-06:00

Lily literally will not get out of bed in the morning without a "boook-kah!" Once she is standing up and sees that I am looking at her, she points to her bookshelf and asks for a book. Thankfully, we keep a ton of books on the shelves in her room...and on the shelves in the living room...and in a bin in her playroom...and on every other available surface in the house. She loves to look through the books and is just starting to recognize aspects of different illustrations. Today, she identified pictures in a book that I didn't even really know she knew. I opened up the book and she pointed to the turtle and said "tuh-tull!" Later, when we sat down in the rocking chair in her room to read our last books before bed, she just laughed and laughed as I turned the pages of the book. She voiced the sounds that the animals make and just giggled at the ones she didn't know the sounds for (penguins and kangaroos, anyone?)

Mommy's girl

2007-02-24T19:59:00.000-06:00

Agh! Lily is growing up so fast I can barely keep up! She is constantly pointing to things and naming them: "ball!", "apple!", "book!", apple-ball!" (a.k.a. an orange) and "cane!" Yes, I know that last one is not a common vocabulary word for an 18-month old girl, but when mommy uses one to get around, it becomes one. When she wants me to get up and come with her somewhere, she will look at where I'm sitting and say "off? cane?" and then go get my cane. Once I'm up, I have to stand for a second to establish my balance (it is kind of like getting up too fast EVERY time!) While I'm getting balanced, Lily will put her hand up in the air and say "hand!" so that I will hold hands with her while we walk. Sometimes she will take short, straight-legged steps so that she walks like mommy.

But I'm the one she runs to when something happens that surprises or upsets her, so she can do her "mommy walk" as much as she likes.

Pigtails

2007-02-13T12:17:00.000-06:00

S.W.A.K.-Just in time for Valentine's Day!

Updates

2007-02-10T13:00:00.000-06:00

First the easy one-Lily's teeth are STILL not all the way through. Yep. Her 18-month birthday is tomorrow and there is not a clear view of a tooth to be seen. If I had a dollar for everytime I've said "someday soon" I would be able to buy a car to replace my demolished one!

And speaking of fallout from car accidents...I went to the doctor yesterday to get the results of my most recent MRI-the one on my "good" foot. The good news is there is no real damage to the tendon in my foot. Kind of pales in comparison to the bad news that there is damage to my ankle joint from the accident and arthritis has set in. She even blithely mentioned fitting me for permanent braces on my ankles. Of course, they are ones that I could wear in a "regular" shoe and would be hidden under pants. Is this supposed to make me feel better? Yes, I am grateful to be alive-but it is still so hard to know that I may never be what I had hoped to be. I still have a long life ahead of me to miss what could've been. And, yes, I get to say that and feel that way if I want to right now.

Still waiting...

2007-01-31T09:17:00.000-06:00

Well, Lily's three new teeth are not so much teeth as they are pink little bumps in her mouth. Seriously. Still waiting for those teeth to come all the way through. This is the slowest teething process ever. Her cousin, Evie, started pushing a tooth through the same day Lily's started to show. Now Evie has two little teeth poking through and Lily has...well...pink little bumps in her mouth.

On the flip side, she is SO grown up in other ways. I think she says a new word every couple of minutes or so. She can babble along for hours and a large portion of it seems to be recognizeable words. Or, I'm so tuned in to her babble that I recognize the words. Either way, it is very entertaining.

She has also taken to coloring and painting lately. A girl still after Momma's heart! Here we are at a preschool party at church painting frog rocks. (Ours promptly fell apart-but the process was cute!)

We are also discovering that she really only needs to see us do something once and she can mimic it-or figure out things we don't want her to figure out. Any time a cabinet door, refrigerator door or dishwasher is open, she wants to "HEP!" close it. You should see the lengths we go to in order to keep her from seeing how to lock and unlock or turn on the dishwasher. A couple of weeks ago, Gram (my mom) took the tupperware lids out of Lily's cabinet and put one cheerio on each one. The idea was to keep her occupied with different shapes and colors. Now, almost every time Lily is in the kitchen she goes to her cabinet, pulls out the lids and waits for her cheerios, or goldfish, or crackers...and yes, her hair does typically resemble this every morning. "Good Morning Crazy Hair!"

Pearl

2007-01-24T09:34:00.000-06:00

Yes, it only took 17 months and 12 days, but there is finally, FINALLY a glimmer of a tooth in Lily's precious little mouth. She has been working her tongue against her bottom gums tirelessly lately and for good reason. Of course, I am assuming that if it took this long to get the first tooth, the others will either come in rapid succession or she will only have two by her second birthday. I wonder which it will be?

Chilly Lily!

2007-01-17T09:25:00.000-06:00

It's a good thing Lily has her new coat (a Christmas gift from a former student of mine) because it is 25 degrees outside right now...although the weather site chirps that it "feels like 14 degrees!" Nice.

Almost like old times

2007-01-06T20:35:00.000-06:00

Today Lily did not get a good nap. She slept for a pretty normal length of time, but I could tell when Pete brought her in the room that she was having a very cranky wake up time. So, a couple hours later, Pete went to meet some friends at an Ethiopian restaurant in town (I'll skip anything with curry as a major ingredient!) and I was left with little Miss Crankypants. I asked her if she wanted to go take a nap with mommy and she just kind of nodded in relief.

Off to my room we went. Now, you'll remember that when she was a tiny four-month-old, she only sleep during the day in my bed with me next to her. Now, she usually gets pretty squirrly if we put her up on our bed, so I wasn't sure how this would go. I knew that if she was going to get restless it wouldn't work because that usually involves rolling up next to my stomach and the gigantic scar and still-tender ribs were not going to put up with that! I hoisted her across from my wheelchair to the bed with one arm and pushed myself in after. I lay back and she crawled up on my tummy-uh oh, I thought. Nope, she snuggled her head under my chin, stretched her little body along mine and tucked her hands under my arms for a very hard snooze. It was almost like being mommy again!

Eyeful

2007-01-02T20:49:00.000-06:00

Lately, I'm kind of obsessed with Lily's facial expressions and especially her eyes. Her personality is almost too much for her little body to contain right now. It just comes bubbling over into our lives every moment.

She's my angel baby.

Orange ball

2006-12-29T20:52:00.000-06:00

I just think this picture is kind of funny. Lily is really puzzled by and a little wary of this ball. She tends to walk around it if it is on the floor. She certainly wasn't sure what to make of it sitting next to her!

Contentment

2006-12-16T21:49:00.000-06:00

I have been relishing my time with Lily a lot lately...understandably so, I think. She has so much personality! Right now, we have a morning routine down: when she wakes up, I go in and she hands me everything out of her crib-dolly, bunny, two blankets-before she will let me pull her out and into my lap. Then, I do a slightly painful balancing act next to her changing table while I change her diaper and she begins her morning repetition of "apem-bau?" When we finally make it to the kitchen to eat breakfast, she starts bopping from side to side in her high chair to the imaginary music-girl LOVES to dance! So, we end up with our daily dose of Michael Buble or Natalie Merchant or some such music. Really, most children grow up with Itsy-Bitsy Spider...mine gets Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Eating typically takes an hour. We chat and dance and sing along to our morning music. These are the memories that will be with me for the rest of my life.

The best part is that right now Lily's favorite thing is our Christmas tree. We go in and I turn on the lights. Every time I do, she makes this delighted gasp with eyes widened. She promptly sits down on the ground to stare up at the tree and point at all the ornaments. Once I get myself down on the floor, she will get up and back into my lap for a cuddle. We sit there looking at the tree and the sparkly lights and I tear up just thinking about what "coulda been." This is going to be a very special Christmas indeed.

Her other favorite thing right now is walking with Momma in her electric pink, bedazzled walker. Cute, huh?

Baby Talk

2006-12-08T11:16:00.000-06:00

I love listening to Lily talk. Her babble is so precious-especially when she tilts her head to the side a raises her eyebrows to make a point. Now, she has started to mimic everything we say around her. My favorites:

thank you = dane-koo

applesauce = apem-bau

amen = AYE-meh!!

Refocus

2006-11-25T19:45:00.000-06:00

I've decided on a lot of things the past couple of days. Something about massive amounts of family around will do that to you. My mom's mom, dad's mom and aunt were all here for Thanksgiving which was fun for everyone-especially the kids. Gram and Auntie kind of dive right into baby care. Within minutes of unpacking Lily, Jake and Evie, they are on the floor with them playing, or pushing them around the backyard in toy cars. Needless to say, Lily has slept in past 9:00 every morning they've been here.

I digress. I've decided that my personal well-being, physically, mentally and emotionally are extremely important. I've decided that I will make every effort to build a fantastic relationship with any family member interested. I've decided that the alone time Lily and I get will be the best mother-daughter time I can manage. This, of course, will be much easier once I am more mobile. In the meantime, I will sing, play and boogie along with her to the best of my ability.

I missed a good solid month of her life. That's a pretty large chunk right now, but in another year it will be a small blip on the radar. She waited to walk until I could see her. The only new word she picked up is "uh-oh". She stopped using a pacifier and a bottle. On the other hand, she maintained the words she had uttered before the accident-I still think her first words are "thank you"...very polite child! Also, she has saved the joys of teething for me. Thanks, Lil.

But looking forward, I know she will be able to wax nostalgic over her childhood. She will have memories of her mommy playing games, teaching her songs, reading books and creating art and imaginary worlds. I will be that mommy. The one that relishes life and will pass that onto her daughter.

What can you get for $25?

2006-11-17T12:05:00.000-06:00

Apparently, that is all it costs to get out of a traffic ticket given for hitting a car, killing the passenger and critically injuring the driver. Well, that's all it cost the woman that hit me.

Drama

2006-11-11T19:59:00.000-06:00

We've had all sorts of drama going on around here lately. I'll choose to focus on the drama that really affects me...Lily drama.

The other night, she woke up around midnight and talked and talked and talked for about an hour and a half. Then she kind of fussed a bit and slept and fussed a bit and slept. Around 2:45 am, she started wailing. By this time, I was already up in my wheelchair to go get her. I opened up her door and she just got quiet and still. She reached down to get her bunny she sleeps with and then waited patiently for me to get across the room to her. When I put her in my lap, she clutched my pajamas so tightly and buried her face into my shoulder. I decided to bring her to my bed to see if she would sleep...just like the old days when she was learning how to nap!

I think she understands that mommy does not move as easily as she used to, because she held tightly to me and did not wiggle while I maneuvered back to the guest room (I'm still in this transitional bed) Once I laid down next to her, all the tension left her body and she went limp. She slept, unmoving, for almost four hours straight. I didn't sleep too much, though. I was pretty wistful about days gone by and what I could have missed if things had been a bit different the day of the accident.

Tonight, we went to my nephew's fourth birthday party. Lily threw up twice while we were there. First time ever for her. Yipee. The bonus for me on this one is that I can't get into the room very quickly to check on her if she throws up again overnight. Looks like this stomach bug is daddy duty!

Halloween

2006-11-06T08:32:00.000-06:00

Lily is a lamb, Evie a duck, and Jake is the cowboy.

I hope thes two will always have this much fun together...
and that Jake will always look out for his little cousin...

My reason for living...

2006-10-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

Yes, before you wonder, I am going to continue the therapy that I started in the hospital. I have been having a lot of "mad at the world" days lately. I'm angry that I'm in this chair, I'm angry that my daughter won't get to know her Nanny Pam, I'm angry that months of my life have been altered in ways I could never have imagined, I'm angry that I'm letting myself feel this way when I know that there is nothing that can be done about my physical state until I am completely healed. Mostly, I'm angry that I can't run around and play with Lily in the way that I should be. Everyone is doing a very good job of taking care of her, but no one can care for her the way that I would...simply because I'm her mommy.

But, when I watch her walk all over the place in her wide-legged baby gait, I am so grateful to be here. I have these moments-like today when I watched her walking around the deck at my parents' house with a flower clenched tightly in each fist-that I realize that I almost missed this. Just a slightly different angle of the SUV during the accident, or a wrong move by a doctor, or God simply deciding that now was my time and I would have missed her grow up. The scariest part of that is that she is so young now that she wouldn't have had any conscious memories of me.

So, in between my pity-party moments and rantings to my new therapist (poor lady!) I revel in the moments that Lily looks up at me and grins her still toothless grin.

The worst of times...

2006-10-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

Well, this is the post that almost wasn't. On August 9, 2006, I was driving home from the airport with my mother-in-law and Lily when a large SUV crossed the center, grassy median and struck my car head-on. My mother-in-law and I had to be removed from the car from emergency personnel. Lily, thankfully, was unhurt. My mother-in-law, Pam, died in the helicopter ride to the hospital. I was transported via helicopter as well to a large trauma hospital in Memphis. My prognosis was bleak. In fact, the doctors asked my family if I was an organ donor. That tends to put my family (and all their friends and acquaintances in non-stop prayer mode.)

In the hours/days that followed, I had surgery to remove my spleen and part of my pancreas, repair two collapsed lungs and a broken right kneecap. I don't remember those days at all. I am told that I was awake after a few days and trying to communicate even with machines doing my breathing for me, but I don't remember. What I do remember shortly after I was breathing on my own, is the hallucinations. I had something called ICU psychosis-coupled with the morphine being pumped into my body-which made me see and experience terrifying things that were not really there.

Once I was taken off the morphine, reality started to get a small foothold. I began to realize my state of being, which was sort of a blessing and a curse. In addition to the surgeries that I already had, I found out that I had several cracked ribs, a broken collarbone, cracked C7, ligament strains in my left leg and no movement in my left arm due to nerve damage. I still had two surgeries to endure on my right ankle, and another lung surgery to remove fluid, but I was still trying to come to terms with what had happened to the rest of my body and my life. I was pretty broken. I remained in the trauma hospital, trying to wrap my brain around the situation for 20 days.

After completing the remainder of my surgeries (and experiencing a level of pain I had never felt before-childbirth included) and having the first round of staples removed (32 from my abdomen) I was discharged to a rehabilitation hospital. There I was pushed to do things that had always been done without a thought-dress myself, brush my teeth, feed myself, get in and out of bed, etc. Now, each action required intense concentration and superhuman effort. I was trying to teach the fingers on my left hand to move on command and trying to withstand the discomfort on my right side whenever I moved my arm. The hardest part of it was/is the emotional turmoil.

As thankful as I was/am to be alive...

I missed my baby girl's first birthday. I wasn't even lucid that day. I didn't get to make the choice to stop nursing-it was made for me. I missed weeks of being the first person that she saw in the morning and the last person that she saw before going to sleep. So many people jumped in and helped, and I am so grateful. But, now my Lily was being cared for by other people. Mommy was someone that wasn't around anymore. I will never, ever get those weeks back. Even now I can't take care of her like I want to. I can't pick her up, roll around on the floor with her, stand with her perched on my hip, get her in and out of her crib, or even change her diaper and get her dressed. I am so grateful to God for being here, but missing these things cuts me to the core.
I am improving, though. Everyday I try so hard to make some little improvement so that I can stay on track with my rehabilitation. I want to be able to start walking at the end of November. I want to be able to pick my little girl up and hold her in my arms. She has learned how to kiss me when I ask for one, but I can't bend far enough down in my wheelchair to claim it. I want to pick her up and nuzzle her neck just like I used to. I'll get there, but I have a very long and hard road before me. Bear with me; I'll make it.

A kiss is worth a thousand words

2006-08-01T19:18:00.000-05:00

Lily loves to cuddle with her toys, but today she decided that mommy looked like a good cuddling partner. I was holding her stuffed frog and she cruised over to me while holding onto the front of her crib. She pulled the frog out of my hands and tossed it to the floor (she has a pretty good arm for a baby!) I told her I wanted a kiss and she pressed her nose and mouth against my cheek. Later, she crawled up into my lap, put her head on my shoulder and patted my back. Certainly can't put a price on those moments!

A few of our favorite things...

2006-07-26T14:34:00.000-05:00

Some of the things Lily loves to do:

Playing the piano-either the keys or playing with the pedals on the floor-doesn't really seem to matter!

Reading and turning the pages...and she loves, loves, LOVES her dolly!

Throwing herself across soft toys on the floor. She knows she is cute when she does this and she plays that up pretty well!

Just standing around...

2006-07-19T20:38:00.000-05:00

Yep, Lily is standing around...not actually walking...just standing. And, no, there are no teeth yet. I'm pretty sure that her cousin Evie will have teeth before Lily does. Luckily, birthday cake will be easy to mush without teeth!

My friend, Heather, came to visit from California a couple of weeks ago-fun! Lily loves having some extra attention (like she doesn't get any otherwise!) I do have to say that bringing obnoxiously screeching plush bunnies along is not a requirement for visiting our house. Heather brought one for Lily and, of course, Lily loves it. She throws it around until it starts making "music" and then she dances to it. Heather won it in Vegas. "Nuff said. (Heather did offer/threaten to get us another one if we need it. Pete's birthday is in February, Featha-start planning!)

It was so nice to hang out with a girlfriend I haven't seen in awhile. We hit/smelled the oh-so-lovely Beale Street and had some sushi at a really nice place in downtown Memphis. We also got our Johnny Depp fix by boosting the opening weekend gross for Pirates. Fun for all! Luckily for Heather the weather was relatively mild for most of her visit. Now, she'll have to come back next summer when it is 101 every day.

When did THAT happen?

2006-07-04T20:48:00.000-05:00

Lily had a VERY rough night last night...there seemed to be very little sleep going on. I would like to think that she is actually getting some teeth, but its not really true. Normally, I let her fuss a bit when she has already gone to bed because if I go in there, it just seems to wake her up even more. Last night, though, I finally went in to rock with her for a bit when she just didn't seem to be calming down on her own. I went to her crib in the dark and picked up my little girl, only...

she wasn't so little anymore. I'm not really sure when she got SO big, but it has certainly happened. I think that picking her up in the dark and not seeing her first really brought it home for me that my little angel is not a tiny baby anymore. I know in my mind that she is getting close to that first birthday and I can see on a daily basis her new accomplishments, her vibrant personality and physical growth, but in my heart she is still my little baby.

I finally got her settled enough to get to sleep, but then I couldn't...too much to comprehend.

Then, today-after a rough day of partial naps-the only way I could get her to sleep was by curling up with her in my bed. She spread her little body out over the mattress and laid her head down on my shoulder and fell asleep. She didn't move for an hour-very unusual for my active sleeper! As I drifted in and out of my own little nap, I smiled realizing that even though she is getting to be my big girl, she will always be my little angel.

Whew!

2006-07-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

I just finished a week of solid workdays for the first time since before Lily was born. I spent the past five days teaching two back-to-back sessions of art camp to 17 students ranging in age from five to eleven. Of course, being in a classroom with a bunch of germy kids again got me sick on day two...so it has been a very long week! I'm not really sure how working moms are able to do it. I don't think I could do this regulary-the exhaustion and simply missing time with Lily was a bit much.

Little things kept popping up in my brain while I was working...things that Lily does that makes me smile. It probably made me seem like such a pleasant teacher-all that smiling. On the inside, though, I was picturing how Lily sits on the ground with one foot propped up on top of the other with her ankles crossed in front of her and no matter how I try, I just can't seem to sit the same way without throwing my balance to one side in order to keep from falling over. I could see her sitting on the ground and leaning over to the side with her head almost on the ground in order to put her cheek against one of her stuffed animals sitting beside her (SO much easier than picking it up!) I think if I were to be working full time all the time I would be a very distracted worker. This part-time gig really fits my brain pretty well!

In the back of my mind this week I kept wondering if Lily was going to do something for the first time while I was away. She is so close to standing and walking on her own and since I don't really know the full process of this learning curve, I kept hoping that she would just hold off until I could be home to see her. Of course, she didn't take any steps without holding tightly to her walking wagon, so my fears were unnecessary...but a mommy can wonder, can't she?

Smarty pants

2006-06-24T20:54:00.000-05:00

This little angel-face may be hiding something... Like the fact that she climbed up on the bottom shelf of her changing table in order to fling out all the socks that were there...
or...how she has now figured out how to get the CD out of the CD player. Needless to say, we are listening to a lot of radio in her room while we play now.

To Your Corners!

2006-06-15T14:23:00.000-05:00

I have noticed an interesting little habit of Lily's when she is sleeping...

When I put Lily in her crib for the night, she is usually somewhere near the middle of the mattress. Of course, she has flipped herself over in protest before I actually get out of the room, but that is a different story. Before I go to bed, I stick my head in her room to check on her and every night she has crammed herself into a different corner of her crib. She always has her head pressed against the rails, her arms at her sides and her legs pulled up under her tummy so her bottom sticks up. Every night it is a different corner-and it doesn't seem to matter which way she is facing when I put her down at night.

Looks rather uncomfortable, but-as always-very cute.

Elation

2006-06-06T19:15:00.000-05:00

Lily had her first ride on the swings today...you can almost hear her squeals of delight!

No more hiding!

2006-06-05T18:45:00.000-05:00

Well, there will be no more hiding things from Lily...at least things that she knows are there. I gave her a sip of my iced tea this afternoon and then put the cup on the ground behind me. She proceeded to crawl around behind me looking for it while I moved it silently in front of me. She kept going around and around me looking for the tea-then she stopped and looked up at me with this expression on her face like "Mom, I know it's there. Knock it off!" I had to resort to putting it in another room and finishing it later.

Lily is pulling herself up so easily now. She cruises a little bit, but mainly likes to stand holding onto something so she can gum it. Yep, gum it...there are still no teeth in that precious little pink mouth. My mom told me that my teeth came really, REALLY late, so Lily seems to be taking after me again.

But Lily's standing has renewed my obsession with her little feet. I adore them. She is so funny about gripping the carpet with her toes and rocking back and forth on her heels as she tries to balance. I know that once she starts walking in earnest they will start to lose their soft, new sweetness. I know that she will still like Mommy to play with her feet, though. One of her favorite games is her laying on her back with her feet in my hands and I will jiggle them all over the place in a crazy "dance" while I sing songs to her. She just giggles and giggles until she is to the point of laughing with no sound coming out. Then she will twist out of my hands and sit up only to push her feet into my hands again to start all over.

Bathing Beauty

2006-05-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

I blew up Lily's baby pool this week...who makes these things without a pump attachment anymore-I almost passed out! Anyway, Lily had a ball splashing and playing. I have a feeling this is going to be a very popular toy this summer.

MORE!

2006-05-25T20:05:00.000-05:00

I have been slowly adding some sign language into my communication with Lily. Today was the first day that I could see the sign for "more" really click. Of course, she does the baby version-banging her hands together in a clapping motion-but she knows how to use it! I usually put a few pieces of cheese or cheerios on her high chair tray and when she finishes, I ask her if she wants "more" while signing. Today, I was across the kitchen when she finished and when I turned around to look at her, she was banging her hands together and slapping them on her tray. When I asked her if she wanted more, she just lit up and started banging her hands together again. She was so excited that I understood what she wanted.

Right now, the "more" sign is connected tightly to food. I'm trying to use it with other things like music, toys and playtime. But, I'll take this as a very strong start!

A whole new world

2006-05-19T09:33:00.000-05:00

Forget the short bursts of crawling-Lily is a pro now! My parents always told me what a fast crawler I was as a baby...I think Lily may have inherited that trait. I treat my house like the Panama Canal when she's on the floor-I make sure that all exits are blocked before we enter a room and then shut the entrance door behind us. Originally, we put up a few baby gates to contain our dog, but they are now being used for their intended purpose-baby containment.

Her favorite thing to do in her room right now is to crawl to the window and look out. Of course, she kind of forgets that it is there until I push back the two layers of black-out curtains and raise the blinds...but once I do, it's on! She will sit up on her knees and talk to everything she sees outside-trees, birds, cars, and daddy working on the lawn! Ah, cheap entertainment!

Problem solving

2006-05-01T19:00:00.001-05:00

Lily has mastered crawling, although she still prefers to do it in short burst of a foot or two at a time. This new skill has, of course, opened up a whole new world to her. This evening, as I was getting her ready for bed, she squirmed away from the pajamas I was trying to wrestle onto her and crawled happily away in her diaper. She made her first stop at the humidifier where I have a DVD case leaning against the front to block the light from the power switch. She picked it up, put in her mouth, gnawed briefly on the corner before spying something across the room more fascinating-a toy, a book, a shadow, I'm not sure what it was that engaged her so much. So, she dropped the DVD case and began her trek across her bedroom to the bookshelf. I sat very still out of her direct line of sight so that I could watch her explore.
She pulled up short in front of her little red bucket, which is full of wooden blocks, a rattle and whatever random bath toy makes it in her room that day. She happily dumped the rattle and bath toy to the ground and proceeded to take out each block and stare at it as if it were a new creation. With her purple block in one hand, she kept bringing her other hand to it in order to make that banging noise she loves so well when BOTH hands hold blocks. Her face held this quizzical expression as if she was trying to figure out the scientific reason why her hand and the block were not making a loud noise. She noticed the other blocks in the bucket and pulled out the orange one. Now, we're in business!
Nope. Instead of banging the blocks together she looked back and forth between the two bright toys, dropped the purple one and stuck the orange one in her mouth, cooing happily as if it were her plan all along.
Teehee.

On the move...

2006-04-23T11:23:00.000-05:00

Well, life has changed once again! Lily is starting to really understand how crawling works. It takes her awhile, but she can get to something she sees. I have started to rearrange furniture, books and shelf items accordingly.

We spent Easter with my family at my parents' house. It was so incredible to see Lily with her cousin Evie. Evie is the age Lily was when we moved to Tennessee. Wow! It is amazing to realize how much she has grown in just a few short months. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, eight months is such a tiny little blip in time-but the amount of change possible in that time is phenomenal. It makes me wonder how much I could change about myself in eight months. If Lily can go from where Evie is right now-holding her head up and smiling (sometimes!) to where she is now-crawling, eating solid food, telling exciting stories in baby babble, clearly indicating what she wants/needs-then how much could I accomplish? I'm not going to embark on some weird self-improvement kick, but there are some things that I could improve about myself.

I guess I'll check back when Lily is 16 months old and see how far I've come. I can already see how far she will be!

If at first you don't succeed...

2006-04-15T13:53:00.000-05:00

Try, try again! Lily is making a pretty concerted effort to crawl. Unfortunately, she has only succeeded in scooting backwards across the floor. This morning, however, she pushed herself backwards almost all the way to the wall and then proceeded to turn herself around in an effort to scoot back towards me. She is certainly planning out her strategy and working with her current skills.

No teeth yet...just bucketfuls of drool. In fact, Lily was laying down on her bedroom floor today and was momentarily choked by the amount of drool her mouth is producing. I could see the look of panic cross her face which quickly morphed into a tortured scream. Immediately her hands are thrust out directly towards me in a "mommy, save me!" plea.

Her dad says that she is a "mommy's girl"-he's right.

A crazy day

2006-04-07T22:12:00.000-05:00

Today was our first brush with a tornado warning since we moved to Tennessee. Lily and I spent a good amount of time on the floor of the closet while we listened to the weatherman give updated accounts of how close the tornado was coming. I did not grab any toys before heading to our little hideout, but Lily had a leather belt of daddy's to chew on to keep her occupied.

I think that Lily is starting to get her first teeth. Part of me is excited about this new development, but the other part of me is rather wistful. I love her soft pink grin and I know I have precious little time left with it until it becomes a toothy little smile. I think the worst part about it is that I know there is very little I can do to make it painless for her. All the Orajel in the world will only do so much.

I think the teethins is what caused Lily to have a horrible time getting to sleep tonight. She could not keep her eyes open at six, so I put her in bed. About thirty minutes later, she woke up screaming and would not go back to sleep so I sat with her on the couch for awhile trying to soothe her. As much as I wanted her to go to bed, cuddling with her on the couch was so nice. I know there are times in my life that I will look back with longing on moments like those. With her feet nestled on my knees and one hand on my shoulder, Lily put her cheek on my collarbone and drifted in and out of sleep. The feel of her soft breath on my neck and her fingers lightly grasping my shirt are those little memories that will stay with me. Of course, she then spent the next ten minutes giggling and talking while I tried to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing (that always spurs her on!) In the end, though, I know that holding my little girl and soothing her to sleep is something that I will not always be able to do. I won't always be able to hold her whole little body in my arms for ages just snuggling my nose into the side of her neck. But for now, while this seems to help those painful little pearly whites push through, I'm there.

More new skills...

2006-03-24T09:06:00.000-06:00

Lily has learned that pages in books turn from the right over to the left. She will grab the right side of her doll book and pull the pages across until she hits the page with the "frizzy" hair. Then those fingers go right back onto the face of the doll so she can play with her hair.

She has also become quite the Cheerios champion! The first couple of times trying them were a little, well, trying. She would manage to shove most of her tiny fist into her mouth but then could not open up her fingers to get at the little "o" clenched inside. Sometimes, in her effort to make sure it was available to her, she ended up with it stuck to the outside of her hand while she wiggled her little fingers in her mouth. Now, she pinches each piece with her fingers before aiming towards her mouth. She has even tried banana chunks-those are a bit slippery, though, and require a lot of concentration.

Hopefully her airplane skills are growing-we are off to Scottsdale next week for a conference (for my new job.) Thankfully, my mom will be coming along as Lily's personal plaything for the weekend. With my husband's work schedule, bringing Lily with me was MUCH less of a hassle than leaving her here. I think that it also reiterates to my boss how important time with my daughter is to me...I already have my priorities set.

Too fast

2006-03-13T13:24:00.000-06:00

It seems like I need to write everyday to keep up with all of the new things Lily is accomplishing! The biggest new skills are storytelling and swimming. Lily is quite the storyteller! She will babble on and on for almost 45 minutes straight when we are in the car or sitting on the couch together. Her voice inflection will slide up and down, mimicking her eyebrow movement. Whatever her story is about, it always has a scary part "oooo" and some exciting shrieks and a funny part "ha!" She will often cock her head to one side while she talks as if she is trying to get me to understand how important her story is. No need to worry-I absorb every word like oxygen. I have several of her stories on video so I can revisit them for years.

Last week, Lily and I went to Florida to visit her Nanny and Pop Pop (and great Granny, great aunt...etc.) and we discovered that Lily is quite the water baby. Her first experience with water deeper than her bathtub was the Gulf of Mexico-quite a jump! She absolutely loved it! As I was holding her up, she kept bending her knees and lowering her center of gravity so that I would put her bottom on the ground so she could touch the water. She even caught a small wave right in the face (mommy was a bit slow on that one) and recovered without even a whimper! In the pool at the condo, she would kick her feet as I pulled her through the water on her belly. She was quite a hit with the over 65 crowd-which seemed to be just about everyone. Her coordinated swim bottoms, hat and sunglasses contributed to her stylish charm. What can I say, she is quite the fashion plate!

At home, she has started to realize that when I stand behind her looking in the mirror, that I am not actually in the mirror. She cranes her neck around to find me behind her and flashes me a huge Lily-grin before checking to make sure that she can still find me in the mirror, too. Then she checks back behind her again...we could do this for hours!

Her new favorite book is one about dolls with fabric patches on each page-different textures for different dolls. Every time I pull the book out on the floor in front of us, she plays with the pages until she gets to the one with "frizzy" hair. It feels like they put the scrubby side of a dish sponge in it...she puts both hands on the hair and scratches her fingers deep into the page. She has a tendency to eat the faces of the dolls, so you can imagine the state of the book! I'm glad it is a heavy board book...paper pages would be DONE by now!

Personality Plus

2006-02-12T22:31:00.000-06:00

With the recent birth of my niece, Evelynn, I have come to realize how much Lily has changed in the past six months. I know that I have noticed the little things as we moved along through her first months, but seeing how tiny Evelynn is and remembering how I could hold Lily easily with one arm really puts things in perspective.

Lily is sitting up quite well on her own now. She is so intent upon sitting under her own power that she graduated from the bouncy seat to an exersaucer. When I put her in it she gets this goofy grin on her face as she examines the toys over and over again. She rediscovers every time that hitting the duck picture makes it quack-and she is amazed every time it makes a noise. It is so entertaining and enthralling to see her discover (and rediscover) these things. The goofy grin is not limited to the exersaucer, though. She plasters that toothless smile on when I sit her on her blanket or when she rolls over on her tummy or anytime she sees her daddy or when she sees me first thing in the morning. I can't help but laugh, which spurs her smile on even more. When I take her to my parents' house, she grins at everyone in the room and everyone just grins back. She is the star of her own little show and we are happy to oblige!

She is getting to be quite the talker, too. She can babble with the best of them! I like having a duet partner in the car-I'll sing along to the radio and she will shriek and gab in the back seat right along with me. We have long involved conversations about everything from her books to her food to what our crazy dog is thinking when he treats the living room like a race track. Sometimes I can't wait for the formation of "real" words-but I really love this exploration of language that we get to experience together. Babble conversations really are the best because we can say anything we want and it is just pure delight.

A girl after Mommy's own heart

2006-01-27T13:00:00.000-06:00

Need I say more???

Fear of falling

2006-01-25T09:08:00.000-06:00

Lily has taken to spending vast amounts of time standing on her wobbly little legs gazing at the world. Granted, she is standing with my hands firmly around her waist most of the time. Sometimes she grips tightly to my fingers and balances on her own, wildly throwing her hips around in an attempt to see everything around her and stay firmly planted on her two little feet. I realized this morning as she stood on our ottoman staring down the potted plant on the shelves behind me that she has no fear of falling. She doesn't even know what it means to fear something like that, because her momma is holding on to her.

This came to me this week after I had a rather sleepless few nights due to no other reason than being a new mom and having a whole new perspective on life. As I stared at the shadowy blobs on the ceiling at 3 am, my brain wandered through all the events of the past six months. Having a baby is a lot to wrap your brain around! It is so exciting and terrifying to know that in her mind, mommy can fix anything just by being there. I can feed her, protect her, snuggle her, kiss on her neck and make her laugh. When I come into the room, whether I've been gone for two minutes or two hours, it is the highlight of the moment. I love that I can make her so happy by just showing up. It is scary, too, since I realize that in her world, her happiness will often hinge on my ability to meet her needs. Wow, I guess those commercials are right, having a baby really does change everything!

Growing Lily

2006-01-17T07:57:00.000-06:00

Well, I started back to "work" yesterday after five months of pure mommy time. I will be working part-time teaching an after school art program...really it is perfect because I will only be gone for a few hours a couple of days a week. Yesterday, however, I was apart from Lily for nine hours-a new record-one I don't wish to repeat anytime soon. I must admit that having her back in my arms after that long apart is very sweet, indeed. The way she nuzzles her face into my neck and sort of coos is priceless.

I have found that I am more and more enamored with her everyday. Not surprising, really. But she has discovered her toes and wants to spend vast amounts of time everyday looking at them and grabbing them and putting them in her mouth. (Enjoy it now, my girl, you may not be able to do THAT your whole life!) Watching her study her feet or study her hands is engaging. I wonder what is going through her brain as she turns her hands this way and that and furrows her brow just like her mommy. I love watching her delight in the discovery of her toes everyday and how she sometimes giggles when she finally catches them again.

My parents and I took Lily to meet her great-Gram and great-great-Auntie last week. I have never seen those women so focused! They actually let coats drop to the ground in order to get to Lily quicker! They were so excited to see her and spend time watching her explore, laugh and play (and roll over and over and over!) For me, it was so wonderful to bring Lily to the place that was so much a part of my childhood. So many of my happy memories are attached to Chilhowee and I hope that Lily will get to build some there as well. I know that I want to bring her back as often as possible so that my Gram and Auntie can see her grow and change.

Speaking of growing and changing, Lily is getting much more independent with every passing day. She will wobble on her unsteady legs as I hold onto her and tries to keep her back rigid and tall when she sits on my lap. I know this is the first in a long line of traits to announce her separation and independence from mommy, and I am both proud and wistful at her growth. Now I understand that misty-eyed look my mom occasionally got over my childhood and adolescence...it seems that I see it more from her now than I can really remember growing up. Hopefully, it is because she sees a little bit of herself in me now that I am a mom, too. It is such a new experience to see myself in my mom and my daughter...it really shows how family traits can thread themselves through generations.

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T22:03:00.000-06:00

Well, we've made it through the holiday season smoothly and happily. Christmas was wonderful with Lily. We actually had two Christmas celebrations with her this year, so we had double the fun. We went to my parents' house Christmas eve day for the whole family celebration complete with dressing up and the big meal and the melee of opening presents with eight adults and two children in the room. Lily wore a Christmas tutu that is absolutely precious-got to love those southern craft fair creations!

On Christmas morning, we had the traditional events that have endured through the years in my family. We opened stockings and then Lily's Santa presents (lots of books!) and then went through our family gifts. Most of this was captured on home video for posterity-transferring it to DVD is another story! Lily, of course, was not really sure what was going on, but she loves to have her mommy and daddy watching her, so she enjoyed being the center of our world yet again.

She has really taken to rolling over while she is on the floor. She will usually roll about one second after I take off her diaper or any other article of clothing. Babies really do love to go in the buff! Thankfully, she has not tried to roll while on her changing table yet. She is still enamored with the mobile that hangs over her changing table and loves to "talk" to the images dangling over her head.

New Year's was pretty uneventful due to the fact that she was asleep at least five hours before midnight rolled around...she didn't stir when the neighbors shot off fireworks at midnight, but I was glued to the monitor waiting to hear her wail. It was much more tense for me than for her! I'm very excited to see what this year will bring now that everything about my life has changed...

Milestones

2005-12-13T19:25:00.000-06:00

Two milestones in one day...yes, I am biased about the brilliance of my daughter, but isn't every new mom? This morning, after weeks of teetering on her side with her face pressed into the blanket, Lily rolled over. I must mention, too, that she rolled over towards me-yeah! All the books say to put a favorite toy just out of reach to the side for babies to roll towards...Lily didn't need a toy, though, just mom.

Of course, in true baby fashion, as soon as she had rolled over and pulled her arm back from beneath her she started to cry. One of those "who put me face-down on this blanket when I was having a lovely time examining the ceiling fan" cries. Trying to explain to her that she did it to herself was not going to work, so I just picked her up for celebratory hugs instead.

This evening was milestone number two. To mark her fourth month birthday yesterday she got to go to the doctor and get a bunch of immunizations...not fun for ANYONE. Even the nurse remarked that this was the worst part of her job. I feel for her-I certainly wouldn't want to making babies cry as a major portion of my job description. Anyway, the doctor told us to go ahead and start Lily on rice cereal anytime. So, tonight's snack food was rice cereal for the first time. I must say, she ate like a champ. Of course, large portions of it ended up running down her chin, but she found the whole event to be quite entertaining-as did I.

The swing of things

2005-12-06T21:34:00.000-06:00

The Christmas season is upon us in a big way and I am still trying to get into the swing of things. Thankfully, I have a vast majority of my Christmas shopping done via Lily's pictures. Most of our family members will be getting pics of the newest little one for Christmas, which saves a lot of time and money. However, I'm finding it rather challenging to put up Christmas decorations while holding a baby in one arm. (I think I'm developing some sort of baby-holdingitis in my left elbow!) I think that this is all the more challenging because I still don't feel like I have my house settled yet since our move. I still have wallpaper to remove, rooms to paint, boxes to move...argh.

On the upside of this-do you just want to eat this picture up?

A December 1st Miracle

2005-12-01T08:40:00.000-06:00

OK-we are coming up on 25 minutes of uninterrupted naptime-in the MORNING! How is it that my husband can go in, put Lily in her crib, stay for a minute to calm her and walk out with no problem? I spend hours listening to her cry or going back and forth to her room to calm her when I try to get her to nap. I think that I will approach it this way: I did all the hard work training her to nap and Pete gets to initiate the first successful morning nap.

Now that she is sleeping (for the time being) I find it hard to get started on anything. I keep waiting for her to wake up and cry. Pete, however, has already settled into watching our recording of "Lost" while I make a long-delayed entry in my blog.

We are taking Lily for her first portrait today. I'm really looking forward to it and I hope that it goes well. It is one of those events that I don't have much control over...she could be happy and cute or crying and clingy. All I can do is get her dressed in her Christmas outfit and show up at the studio on time! It kind of feels like taking an exam in college...I can study all I want, show up on time prepared, and think happy thoughts. If the questions are something that I would never see coming, though, I'm sunk! Hopefully, I will have a cute picture to post soon...Keep your fingers crossed!

----9:19 pm...OK, the nap thing didn't work out as planned. Only 30 minutes of sleep in her bed and then another hour and a half in mommy and daddy's bed. On the other hand, the portraits worked out beautifully! It is hard to narrow down pictures when you think your child is the most precious thing that ever graced the planet!

Survivor

2005-11-26T19:56:00.000-06:00

Well, we have almost made it through Lily's first major chest cold. Nothing pierces the heart like listening to your baby's raspy cough and being helpless to do much of anything. She was finally getting back to her smiling, babbling self for awhile today-but then it came time to go to bed and she was all slumpy again. I have been trying the whole "leave your baby in her crib to nap no matter what" plan and it really, REALLY stinks...especially now that she has a cold. I was in tears by the time I went to get her out of her crib yesterday. My poor husband was vexed enough by a crying baby-add to that a sobbing wife and he was just finished!

Thankfully, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and she is coughing less and less. I'm looking forward to tomorrow when she will hopefully wake up with bright eyes and a big smile. I haven't seen that in a couple of days and that was my whole reason for dragging myself out of bed at 6 am!

Isn't it nice to be adored?

2005-11-20T07:06:00.000-06:00

I was out to lunch with my sister the other day and I brought Lily along. Lily was studying me as I ordered and snacked on appetizers with my sister. My sister has a three-year-old and one on the way, so she knows the ups and downs of motherhood well. Seeing Lily's gaze, she said "Isn't it nice to be adored?" It really is. I am so thankful for my little girl-so thankful that God gave me something so precious to take care of. I still look at her every day and marvel at the fact that God created her using me!

What is it about 2:05 am?

2005-11-16T06:44:00.000-06:00

What is it about 2:05am that babies want to see so badly? If you can answer that, can you tell me if 2:47, 3:25, 3:55, 4:47 and 5:36 hold the same appeal? I love my daughter dearly and do want to spend as much time as possible with her, but not when she is just a shadowy spot in the middle of her crib in the middle of the night.

I remember as a young girl going to my first sleepovers. We always found it such an exciting challenge to stay up all night. It was great until the pain of sleep deprivation hit you like a semi truck the next day. The nice part was that we could blissfully sleep through much of the next day to make up for it. In college, all-nighters were more of a necessity than a joy. When midterms or finals were piling up, it seemed there was no choice but to stay up all night cramming or writing papers. No blissful sleeping the next day there, though. We would have to sleepily slog through a three hour final AND try to be clever enough to answer the questions correctly! Maybe Lily is training for her first sleepovers or college cram sessions a bit early!

Now if I could just get her to take daytime naps longer than 20 minutes...

Mom and Lily

2005-11-13T19:58:00.000-06:00

Mom and Lily

I started this blog for several reasons: I was inspired by my friend, Amanda, and her blog; my whole world has been upended by the arrival of my daughter and our subsequent move to Tennessee; and I can type a lot faster than I can write most days. It seems that blogs can be made up of little snippets of thought and make perfect sense. On the other hand, the pregnancy journal I was keeping for my daughter, Lily, seems to ramble and shift with every turn of the page. Now my biggest obstacle seems to be getting photos in the right place on the site and figuring out how to do that using the photo program already installed on my computer.

This next chapter of my life was a huge leap of faith. My husband and I moved to Tennesse seven weeks after our daughter was born. We used to live in Ventura, California, but moved to Tennessee so that we could provide a bit better for Lily. My parents and my siblings are all within 20 minutes of our new home, which was a big incentive for me as well.

My daughter was born in August (two weeks earlier than expected) and she changed my life in ways that I could've never imagined. I love being a mom. If only this was a job with a salary, my life would be cake. I love watching her sleep, listening to her babble in her three-month-old language, kick her arms and legs like a rock star, looking into her big blue eyes and wondering what she thinks when she looks back at me. Even the lack of sleep is not as painful as it could be-as long as I get that huge smile from her when I go to get her out of her crib in the morning.

But, speaking of lack of sleep, I have a feeling that many of my early blog entries will be written in the early hours of the morning or late in the evening when Lily is sleeping. We are currently working on learning how to nap during the daytime. It is almost more exhausting for me to teach her how to nap than staying up would be for her! I'm learning to let her cry for a bit before going to soothe her...I'm not very good at it yet, but I'm working on it!